Boom Boom Pow

I'm not going to lie.  This post was hard to write.  It's been staring at me, in draft form for over a month.  So if it's a little rambly, it's a lot to get out.  I tried to make it the least rambly as possible.  

In my last post I mentioned that Dumb and Dumber were negligent parents and gave two instances of how that neglect affected me.  I also eluded to the fact that I dealt with some abuse in addition to the neglect. Dumb was probably to blame for the neglect because honestly, Dumber was too stupid to know any better.  It was often brought up that Dumber had never completed school beyond the 6th grade.  Her family was socioeconomically unable to allow her to continue to attend school.  So that was the reason for her having to quit school.  Meeting Dumb was probably the best thing that happened to her because he was able to provide her a life that probably prevented her from living on the streets.  My calling her Dumber has nothing to do with her lack of education.  Me calling her Dumber has everything to do with her treatment of me.

Which brings me to the abuse.  This is a hot topic of debate between the three of us.  J blatantly asked Dumber if me being 'mean' as I mentioned in a previous post was the reason she BEAT me.  I was not part of that phone conversation.  J figured since that phone call was the last conversation he ever wanted to have with them, that he may as well lay all the cards on the table.  To get answers for me that I was always unable and too scared to ask.  Her response?  She didn't know how hard the bones in her hand were.  His response?  That was the excuse of every person that ever BEAT their child,  girlfriend, boyfriend, wife or husband.    At which point, they hung up on him.  

I sit here and remember the numerous occasions she hit me.  I remember her telling me that it hurt HER more than it hurt me.  I remember her asking me why I made HER hit me.   She asked those questions constantly up until at 13, I took the paper she was hitting me with and raised it over my head like I was going to hit her back and told her she would NEVER hit me again.  When I did that, she egged me on to hit her.  She said I knew I wanted to.  The scary thing is, I did but even at 13 I knew it was wrong.  I refused to stoop to her level because then I'd be no better than her.  I resolved then, that I never wanted to be her. From that day on, she never hit me again.

You would think and hope the abuse ended there. It didn't.  As the physical abuse was going on, simultaneously, she was emotionally abusing me as well.  When we had moved to San Angelo, Texas from Kadena, Japan, I was in the first grade.  Academically I was struggling.  Apparently, the fact that I still spoke some Korean was a hinderance in my learning and it was recommended that I go to summer school and repeat first grade.  So because of the decision THEY made for me, something I had no control over, she called me stupid.  All the way up until the day I got my acceptance letter to Southwest Texas. You would think getting accepted to a university would be enough.  No.  I remember how excited I was when I opened that letter.  How much I wanted her to be excited for me too.  But instead there was no excitement.  Instead there was just a look of disgust as she said,"You too stupid to get scholarships.  Now we have to pay for your college."  Never mind the fact that I got grants.  Never mind the fact that I was the one who spent hours after school getting tutoring because neither Dumb nor Dumber could help me with my schoolwork.  Because Dumb was either on TDY or it was over his head (he took one look at my algebra book and said he had no idea where to even start) and as I've stated Dumber only completed school up to 6th grade.  I remember having anxiety attacks worrying about my school work and tests.  And for her to go and call me STUPID?  How dare she.   

When the beating stopped, the emotional abuse just intensified.  On top of calling me stupid, she also called me fat.  CONSTANTLY.  Dumb being the enabler he was, liked to explain the problem away as a 'cultural difference' and a 'language barrier'.  He said her calling me fat was her way saying I had put on some weight.  At 16, I had sangapul surgery performed, because Dumber said if I didn't, my squinty eyes made my face look fat(ter).  So would he classify that under language barrier or cultural difference?  Because I thought the whole reason for the procedure was to get the coveted double crease in the eyelid like most American people have.  How does wanting double creases translate to fat? And how does a cultural difference or a language barrier explain her calling me stupid all my life?  Please.  Give me a break.  Try again.

Them hanging up on J just proved that deep down I was right about my feelings that what they were doing to me was wrong.  I grew up trying to justify their actions.  Maybe I was a little shithead. Maybe I did deserve to get hit.  Maybe I was fat.  Maybe I was stupid.  But as I've gotten older, I've learned that no.  Nothing justifies somebody hitting another person.  Nothing justified belittling me. I no longer have the time, mental or emotional energy to allow them to continue to belittle me.  Still say how mean I was.  Still talk about how ungrateful I am that they saved me from being aborted. Actually, Dumber's mother saved me.  My adoptive 'maternal grandmother' saved me and then plopped me into their arms during what they told J was the honeymoon phase of their marriage. I was no better off with them than I was had they left me at the orphanage. I deserved better.  I deserved parents that would embrace and love me for who I was, not abuse and neglect me. Isn't that what everybody deserves?  Somebody to love them unconditionally, flaws and all?  Isn't that what parents are supposed to do?  Dumb and Dumber weren't parents.  Not even close.  They're an embarrassment to the parenting world.  They are the parents that will never win Parent of the Year awards.  Instead my family and I will leave them be.  It's what they always wanted.  For it to be just the two of them. Well now they can relive the honeymoon phase of their marriage.  I hope it's all they hoped it would be.  

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I'm a 35 year old working, running and shopping (not necessarily in that order) mom living in the burbs surrounding the beautiful city of Austin with my husband, our very active 5 year old and our rescue dog Buddy. This blog is my little space of the internet where I let my ADD run loose and I blog about...anything.


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